Anger defined:
A personal attack against one’s sense of self-worth, needs, or convictions, or a strong emotional reaction that results from a sense of being wronged, threatened, or hurt.
→ Is anger good or bad?
→ What do you imagine anger to be?
* Anger is neither good nor bad, it is a natural, normal response to a perceived personal attack as the aforementioned definition states. Actually, anger helps us by clearly delineating our personal boundaries. It acts as a “red flag” to let us know another person has stepped over the line in some way. The real issue lies in how we respond with our anger to the multiple daily interactions that we have.
* This article will explain some of the different ways in which people express their anger, and some biblically supported ideas on how we can verbalize and manage our anger in more productive, godly ways. Remember, anger is a God-given emotion like stress, which needs to be managed, not denied or suppressed. When handled properly, God will be honored by our responses (Mark 3:1-5; Romans 5:6-11; Ephesians 4:14,15, 29, 31, 32).
→ How can we do this?
First, we need to recognize the many faces of anger. Anger is a universal human experience that is found in every personality and temperament: from shy to extroverted; perfectionistic to laid-back. Anger is also multifaceted and expressed in many ways. Even so, we need to understand that how we respond to our anger is our own choice and responsibility.
→ In what ways do you express your anger?
A. Suppressing Anger – Why? Out of denial, fear, or to look strong. “I’m not showing anger. You are. Obviously, you’re the one with the problem.” Anger is often suppressed because some equate showing anger to human imperfection, or the fear of lower estimation from others.
* Suppression does not eliminate anger; instead, it pushes the anger deep into our hearts where it festers into a toxic emotion called bitterness.
B. Open Aggression – Open aggression is the expression of anger at the expense of someone else. It is the most self-centered choice in dealing with anger. The focus is on the openly aggressive person’s needs, desires, and feelings. There is little or no sensitivity towards the needs and feelings of others. “You don’t matter, you feeling don’t matter, I don’t care who I hurt, I only care that I get to express my anger.”
* Open aggression hurts and offends other people. It damages relationships, reputations, and is a power-play over relationships as well (insecurity).
C. Passive Aggression – Like open aggression, passive aggression is the expression of anger in order to preserve personal worth, draw attention to unmet needs, or preserve convictions at the expense of another person; but passive aggression operates secretly instead of openly. Why? Because passive-aggressive people do not often feel competent to bring their anger out into the open. They feel that if they do, it will expose them to counter-attack or to be viewed in a negative light (fear of not being liked). “I don’t matter, but you don’t matter either. I am angry and I want to strike out at you, but I don’t want to get caught.”
*Passive aggressive anger is caused by the need to have control with the least amount of vulnerability; thus, subtle sabotage.
D. Assertive Anger – When we express our anger assertively, we preserve our sense of self-worth, our needs, and our convictions while at the same time consider the needs and feelings of others. When we express our anger assertively rather than aggressively, we actually enable our relationships to grow stronger. Assertive anger is a mark of personal maturity and stability.
Assertiveness considers the dignity of others even if they do not consider yours! It is not selfish and it looks at “the big picture” and sees the future ramifications and interactions. “I matter, and you matter too. We each have a right to express our anger, but we do not have a right to hurt each other.”
Three key reminders of constructive assertive anger:
1. Make sure the issues are worth raising (1 Corinthians 13: 4-6).
2. Speak with gentleness (Galatians 5:22,23).
3. Do it privately (Matthew 18:15).
Assertiveness defined (James 1:19): Swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath.
E. Dropping Anger – You accepted your inability to control circumstances, and you recognize your personal limits; you tolerate differences and choose to forgive. Choosing to drop your anger is far different from suppressing it. Suppressing is phony or denial, where dropping anger represents a commitment to Godliness (Matthew 6:14,15; Matthew 18:21-35).
The person who chooses to let go of the anger is fully aware that grudges are an option, but he or she opts instead for a cleaner life, uncluttered by bitterness and dissension.
The Negatively Reinforced Anger Cycle
1) A Painful Circumstance—When you perceive some kind of experience or interaction as devaluing or insulting to you; when you perceive your needs to be unmet or ignored; or when someone disregards your values.
2) Angry Emotion—The normal, natural, physiological response to the perceived wrong committed against you. Someone crossed over your boundary line whether he or she realizes it or not.
3) Effort to Change Environment—The biochemical response of “fight or flight.” Adrenalin and other chemicals flow into your system which cause you to take action on the perceived offense. You may try to convince others they are wrong, try to ignore or leave the situation, or even explode.
4) Resistance by Others—Now the other person is responding to you defensively as he or she defends his or her well-established position.
5) Increased Confusion—Both you and the other person are trying to understand how the situation continues to escalate until it is out of control. Both of you want to be understood and have your feelings validated. Now you both enter the emotional boxing ring.
6) Painful Circumstance—The other person inevitably sustains an emotional wound which perpetuates his or her hurtful verbal blows back to you. The anger cycle continues.
→ How do we break this cycle?
By making the choice to manage our anger.
1. Choose to live in humility rather than self-preoccupied pride.
Humility means being willing to acknowledge your personal limits and recognize that you are not the center of the universe (God is!). No one is obligated to cater to your whims.
Remember…it is either one or the other! A heart full of anger cannot be full of love, it cannot speak love, nor can it be tender (Ephesians 4:15, 29, 31, 32). The heart, like a sponge, absorbs its fill of pain, hurt, and anger until there is little or no room left for the peace, joy, and love that God has intended for us.
Some people believe it is a sign of strength to be prideful and demanding. Yet if we look at the example of Christ, we see that He modeled strength through humility and opposed pride wherever He found it.
* Since love is commanded by God (John13:34; Matthew 22:37-39), we need to decide to whom we will submit—God the creator and author of life or to our own emotions.
2. Verbalize your anger.
Ephesians 4:15 – Do it truthfully, do it in a spirit of love. Love keeps truth soft, while truth keeps love strong.
Matthew 18:15 – Do it privately.
* Be gentle, tactful, and respectful through humility and kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving through love (Ephesians 4:31, 32).
To “speak the truth in love” means using “I” messages rather than “you” messages. Example: “You should have called;” “You shouldn’t have said that;” “You are such a slob.” Instead… “I was upset when I didn’t hear from you;” “I didn’t think that was fair, I didn’t appreciate it;” “I get irritated when the house is left messy.”
This is a difficult device to learn because when angered, out first impulse is to defend ourselves and blame others. By using “I” messages and avoiding exaggerating the situation, we have the power to de-escalate a potentially destructive situation.
“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers in the over-wrought heart and bids it break.” —Shakespeare, Macbeth
3. Learn the ABC’s of anger management. Ephesians 4:26, 27, 32
A. Acknowledge and define your anger. “I am angry at…” “The reason I am angry is because…” Be careful not to release or vent on uninvolved people.
B. Be aware of its effect. The physiological responses of anger, how do I usually respond when I am angry, and what is the massage behind the anger (what is really ticking me off).
C. Control it. Work it out, release the energy created by the anger. Sometimes the “time-out” rule needs to be used if the situation is too volatile.
D. Direct it. It is important to release the anger to the person who is causing it even if it is not well received. Do not pour out your anger on others who are not responsible for the offense.
E. Exhaust it. Work it through until it is gone. Acknowledge the depth of the anger and work on it until it does not exist any longer. This may take time to process and work through.
F. Forgive. Give up the responsibility of being judge.
G. Go on. Allow God to take authority of it, and to integrate it into your life for His glory.
* Constructive anger leads to self-preservation by establishing boundaries, positive self-esteem, assertiveness, and meaningful interpersonal relationships.
Points to remember…
- Anger equals hurt, hurt equals anger. Anger is attached to past experiences and past pain. Where there is anger, look for the connection to the hurt.
- Anger means there is a problem that must be addressed.
- Anger constricts and closes the heart, and angry hearts do not hear—they resist love.
- Angry people need love to heal, even though they resist it.
- When you bury anger, you bury it alive.
- Repressed anger collects with other hurt feelings (fear, shame, guilt) which may all foster bitterness and hatred, which in turn seeks destruction and allows the Devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:27).
